During the past few years I've realized that I really don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I've been asking, or rather begging, God to reveal His Will for my life. What He has told me is that I am right where He wants me. What He wants most from me is my full attention and my affection.
You see, I've been very side-tracked for several years while I dealt with the struggles of our family. I have come to him more in token faith than in true devotion. For that, I am deeply ashamed and very grateful for His Grace and Mercy. My attention now is on what I can do today to show Him how much I love Him by loving others. In a class I'm taking at church we are reading "Radical" by David Platt. In it he says: "God blesses his people with extravagant grace so they might extend his extravagant glory to all peoples on the earth. This basic fundamental truth permeates Scripture from beginning to end."
God has truly blessed me and I want to learn how to extend this Grace to all peoples starting with the people I see everyday.
India Trip February 2011
Last year, I was honored to join a group from my church in a mission trip India. I am forever changed by the experience. Here are just a few of the many pictures I took of the amazing people of India. They are a beautiful people but what I appreciate most is their generosity and openness regardless of their personal circumstances. They accept their situation and do their best with what they have. I learned a lot from them.
There are so many poignant sights everywhere you look. The sheer numbers of people living on the streets or required by life's circumstances to make a living by begging makes my heart ache.
Labels: India
New Year, New Opportunities
I've been gone for a while as a blogger but this year is different for me in many ways. First, I have a house full of loving family members that enjoy sharing time together. We took in another young lady last fall that has renewed my hope in having a close relationship with a daughter.
Second, I have a renewed enthusiasm for life and creativity. My photography business is an exciting new adventure for me. I've been slowly convinced by those closest to me that my photos are worthy of sale. And the more I considered the possibilities, the more appealing a full-time career in photography was to me.
So, I will begin to share some of my favorite photography and the memories that come with them on this blog. I hope you enjoy it as much as I will.
Update
Here we are 3 years since my last blog. Wow have things changed and stayed the same.
Still or again struggling with a relationship with Frances. Stephen isn't in school, he's in jail. Just for misdemeanors, but still. Jennifer and Kevin are back in our house, except for Kevin who is heading to drug rehab. Jamie and Steve are doing well even tho they have 3 kids now.
We have more grandkids now. Jamie had the baby she's carrying in the photo on Jan 27, 08. Frances had another baby on June 30, 08.
That's all the short version of the many and varied stories. It's too late at night for me to go into all the details. That will have to be in the next post.
Good night for now.
Who's Tough Now Big Guy? 
Stephen Thinks He's Tough Now That He's Going to Clemson!
Frances is 18!
My Children's Poems
Here is my favorite poem written by Stephen Atwood and given to me on the day of HIS graduation from High School titled "This Day Is Not My Own":
On this day the focus is on me,
My accomplishments,
My deeds,
And look how far I have come,
This is not as it should be.
The real hero is not the one on that stage,
Not the one in that sea of blue,
It is not the one who looks out and waves,
But the one to whom he sees.
The true hero is someone who rescued,
The one who loved,
The one who was patient,
The one who taught,
The one who listened,
The one who stood always to show me the way.
And on this day,
The one that the world says is my day,
I do not celebrate my self,
I cannot pat myself on the back,
I will not look into the mirror and say,
“Good Job.”
As I wait for my name,
As I stand up,
As I walk the steps,
As I cross the stage,
As I shake hands,
As I look out and smile,
As I step off the stage,
Out of High School,
And out in life.
As I sit,
I will ask,
How did this happen?
And I know.
If you had not found me,
I would not be sitting here,
If you had not cared for me,
I would not be here to stand up,
If you had not taught me,
I would not be climbing these steps,
If you had not helped me,
I would not be crossing this stage,
If you had not believed in me,
I would not be shaking this hand,
And if you had not loved me,
I could not walk off this stage,
I could not go on in life.
Please remember this,
And keep it in your heart,
And know that I love you,
And that when I look out,
My smile is for you,
The one to whom this day truly belongs.
I celebrate you.
Here is one by his sister, Frances, given to me as my Christmas present:
No words can express
How much that you have blessed
Blessed my life
And Blessed my heart
You never gave up or let us part
Even though I do not show
I do love you
And, yes, I'll try to make us a family
And I can't deny
That it may be hard
But we'll get through this with the Lord
Putting God first
And He'll lead the way!
A Poem for My Children
Both of my adopted children have used poetry to express the feelings they struggle with. And as they have learned to trust, they have expressed their love to me in the same way. This is my attempt.
“I know you’ve been hurt, my child.
I know you’ve been wounded.
I know your heart’s torn in two from what you’ve been through.
But I am your Momma now;
I want to comfort you.
Please open your heart to me and let me love you.”
These are the words that I said to my children.
The children who came to me from some else’s home
This is the heartache I shared with my children.
The ones that I wanted to become my own.
I wanted so badly to turn back the clock
To take back the harm that had already been done.
I cry for the little ones who cried in the dark
For the innocent ones that were so alone.
And now they’re half grown and still curled up in the dark
Still hurting from hurts from a long-ago time.
And I ache with desire to give comfort and peace
Knowing always that I can’t undo the crime.
I cannot nurture the infant. I cannot bond with the babe.
I cannot hold them ‘til the rising of the sun.
I cannot rescue the victim. I cannot stop the attacker.
I cannot change what has already been done.
And I ache with a pain that is deep and consuming
And I cry with tears that fall like rain.
And I wait for the day that these children I love
Turn and open their hearts once again.
And that day finally came as each one in turn
Decided to risk one more time.
I was there when they reached for a comforting hand
I was there when they finally took mine.
Now my heart is so full it is bursting the seams
And I never have thought it believable.
But I say it’s a fact and I’ll never back down
All the pain is replaced by a love so incredible.
When you love one of these who’ve been hurt so much more
You will never give as much as you gain.
Toby & Nina
A Very Merry Christmas
I want the world to know that this is the best Christmas that I can remember since my earliest memories! But I guess for you to understand fully why it is so special, you need to know a little about what has happened in the past 8 years. You see, my husband and I married in 1992 and by 1994, we decided that we wanted to adopt. So in 1996, we brought a brother and sister (girl, 9 yrs and boy, 10 yrs old) into our home.
It took less that an hour to learn that we had jumped in over our heads but God had led us here and we were committed. My step-daughter decided that she was ready to rebel just prior to the new kids moving in, so our house was in great turmoil for quite some time. After the step-child moved to her mother's in August of 1997, things seemed to settled down somewhat and we learned of another sister and brother who needed a home. We moved them in (then 7 and 9 years old) in August of 1998. We had one year of activity and fun with 4 kids and a dog in a small house. That Christmas was was also fun, I must admit. You just can't enjoy Christmas like it should be enjoyed unless you have kids around.
And then it happened. My world began to crumble. I was already hurting because of the departure of what I considered my first child, my step-daughter. She left in anger and would only return to our house to claim gifts for birthday and Christmas. Then, in December of 1999, we learned that our older adopted son had been molesting the 2 foster kids for most of the year. Within months, DSS took the 2 younger kids out of our home and by November of 2000, we were forced to place our son in a residential treatment program because he was not responding to any counseling we were able to acquire from home.
During all of this, my mother was slowly but steadily deteriorating from Dementia and by 2001, had forgotten who I was. As a side note, I stopped all contraceptives in 1993 in hopes of having a child of my own. That has never happened and has been a recurring source of pain for me.
In 2001, we added the problems of our only child remaining in the home becoming seriously effected by BiPolar. Every 8 weeks, we could count on an extreme and usually dangerous episode. We would never know what would set it off but it was guaranteed to happen. She began hitting Toby (my husband) in the face and eventually, we were forced to call 911 and have her arrested. We were hoping to teach her the consequences of violence but it never seemed to work. In early 2002, she was placed in foster care and through ridiculous circumstances, I was accused of emotionally abusing her and we lost all authority over her.
Things were looking up by the end of 2002 when my father decided to move in with us so that I could help him take care of my Mom. We built a bigger house, with my Dad's help, and at around the same time that they moved here, our son returned home as well. In March of 2003, my son accepted Christ and began the amazing turn around of his life. He is growing into an impressive man. I was really looking forward to Christmas last year.
However, in June my father had a massive heart attack and by July 25th, both of my parents had gone home to be with Christ. That, and still not having my daughter home or even interested in knowing or talking to me, put a big damper on Christmas. My sister, Mary Lu, came to stay with us from Thanksgiving through Christmas for the same reason. She needed to recover from our loss.
But this year! My daughter has turned her life around and has the BiPolar under control with medication and is really desiring a close relationship with both of us!!
I have my family back! My sister is here again and my heart is full!!
Thank you, Lord, for ALL you have done!
